I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
