as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize