Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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