I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
