Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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