Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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