Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
