i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
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Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
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We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.