she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are