I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
