i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You should frame my arrest warrant.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
