idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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