Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
