He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
