turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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