I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
