So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
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He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
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I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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