i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
