You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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