apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
