God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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