your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he thought i was a dude.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
