just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
i think i just lost a toe
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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