Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
