You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
