Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
