This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
