Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
