she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
