When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
