If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
