I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
