Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
