I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
