I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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