those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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