dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
