Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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