eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
