I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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