Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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