In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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