I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
