this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
