i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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