Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
