Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He? As in you personified your dick?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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