So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
