when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
