So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
