Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
high people should be assigned attendants
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
