Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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