You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
