Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
