Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
