ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
