This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just blew my weed a kiss
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
