I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
